Love your neighbour... as yourself

I was practically born into the church. Ever since I was a child, I have been a member of over 10 different communities of faith. Add to that summer camps, conferences, ministry schools, Christian workshops and retreats... I must have heard about 3000 preachings and teachings in my lifetime. Yet I don't remember ever hearing one focused on loving yourself. It may have been mentioned here and there, but never really delved into. How come?

Most of the time, Christians focus on loving others selflessly, and for good reason. There are many passages in the Bible that speak about loving one another, serving one another, valuing others above ourselves and giving our lives for each other.

For instance, in John 15v12, Jesus himself says:

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

So we are to follow in his footsteps by leading a life of servanthood, humility and love. That's wonderful and no one is disputing that.

However... There is another passage I'd like to look at today.

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THE GREATEST COMMANDMENTS

One day, Jesus was asked which one is the most important commandment of all.

Here is his reply:

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Marc 12v29-31)

So the first commandment, the most important thing, is to love God with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our mind and with all our strength. In other words, we are to give Him 100% of our being, holding nothing back.

Note the extravagance of these words! This is the essence of worship itself. To pour ourselves out for God. To be a living sacrifice for Him. More than a command, it is our greatest privilege and it answers the deepest yearning of the human heart.

But then Jesus states the second most important commandment: “Love your neighbour as yourself”. Straight forward? Well... yes and no. Let's take a closer look.

First, the language is very different from the first commandment. It is much shorter to start with. And more importantly, it doesn't express extravagance but measure.

In fact, there is a very important word in the sentence that changes everything:

"As”.

Love your neighbour as yourself.

In other words, love other people in the same measure as your love yourself. Don't love them more than yourself, and don't love them less. But to the same degree.

Wow, that's huge!

It actually makes sense. When we love ourselves more than we love others, we consider our own interests as more important than those of others. In this scenario, we are selfish at best, narcissistic at worst. Most of us will agree that this does not reflect the love of God.

But its opposite is equally unbiblical and unhealthy. When we love others more than we love ourselves, we constantly put other people's needs before our own and pour our lives out for others without considering ourselves into the bargain. As a result, we end up feeling exhausted, depleted, maybe even bitter and resentful.

Truth is: we were never meant to worship either ourselves or others. The only unlimited and extravagant love is reserved for God. The love for others needs to stand in equal tension to the love we have for ourselves.

All right, but what does it look like to "love oneself" ?

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE HEART

Loving oneself can look very different from one person to the next, and also from one season to the next. We can't judge by appearances; it's all about our heart.

It boils down to this : what do we believe about ourselves?

Do I truly believe that I am important? Valuable? Interesting? Worth being known? In other words, do I believe that I am worthy of love?

If I do, then I will treat myself accordingly and make choices that reflect this sense of inner worth. I will set boundaries with people that honour my physical, emotional and spiritual resources while also loving them.

On the contrary, if I believe that I don't matter, that my needs are not important, or even worse, that I am unlovable, then this will be mirrored in the way I treat myself and others. Some may shut people out entirely (better shut people out that get hurt, right?), while others go right into people-pleasing. They will say "yes" when they want to say "no", accept behaviours in others that are disrespectful, and spend most of their energy on others and little on themselves.

Loving yourself is a life-long journey. Sometimes, it can be helpful to asses where you are at. To help you do this, I have listed a few questions that you can think about:

• How much do I enjoy who I am?

• How do I talk to myself most of the time? Am I patient, kind and encouraging? Or am I impatient, critical and demeaning?

• What am I doing to take care of my body? Of my emotional and mental health?

• Do I have fulfilling relationships? People I can easily turn to in times of need?

• How often do I find myself putting my needs on the back burner?

As you reflect on this, you may realise that you don't spend much time and energy loving yourself. You may be in a very busy season where you don't even have time to catch your breath!

I especially think about parents with young children who consume a lot of time and energy. You are doing a great job caring for them, but you are also allowed to love yourself in the midst of it all.

There are times when it's not possible to take a lot of time for ourselves, but maybe there are little things you can do to take a little more care of your needs. Why not ask God to show you what you can do? He is full of kindness and creativity, and He will show you strategies to take care of your needs that fit your current season.

For others, regardless of your circumstances, the mere thought of “loving yourself” seems strange or even wrong. You may be used to be the “need-meeter” in your relationships, the person people depend on. Well, isn't that the right thing to do? Certainly - as long as you love yourself in the same measure.

As you read this, God may be whispering in your ear that he wants you to love yourself too. What might that look like for you? What kind and caring things could you for yourself? What boundaries can you set to take care of your own needs as well as those of others? Don't hesitate to involve God in the process - he is more than happy to help and guide you.

Some of you may have the opposite “aha” moment. Maybe you realise that you spend more energy caring for yourself than others. If the Holy Spirit is nudging you in this way, you have plenty of opportunities to love others! I encourage you to ask God where and how you can be His hands and feet. Whom can you serve and how?

Last but not least, you may be realising that you're actually not too bad in loving others in the same way you love yourself.

In that case, I have good news for you: there is always more!

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GOING DEEPER INTO LOVE

Since God is love, our whole existence is about love ! It's about receiving His love and being transformed by it. Loving God, ourselves and others is simply a response to being loved.

The truth is that you are already incredibly loved. Before you make any choices, good or bad, God's unconditional love is already yours to 100%. He is crazy about you and He wants you to know it more and more.

I love this passage in Zephaniah 3v17:

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”

This verse depicts a passionate God who shows his affection for us in extravagant ways! And this is just one of many passages in the Bible about God's love. There are so many others to explore.

So if you want to love yourself and others more...

Feed on the love God already has for you.

Take time to remember all the times he has shown his love for you in the past.

Immerse yourself in verses that resonate with you and touch you.

Open your heart to his love once again.

Ask Him to reveal His love for you in new ways.

And He will!

No matter where you're at, hear his invitation to return to, and get a deeper experience of His love for you. This is the source for everything and your greatest place of strength!

Let him bathe you in the warmth of His presence, in his unconditional acceptance. Let him whisper words of love and affirmation to you. Let him show you how valuable and precious you are and how fond he is of you.

The love for yourself and for others will then flow out of this place.